the new ultraphone 7 is sleek, sexy, and slender. it's got a gorgeous glass finish that would make anyone fall in love at first sight. an adorable USB-C port sits at the bottom of the device. the top right houses an incredibly fuckable headphone jack

why did we start referring to technology as "sexy"? sexy is a word that means something has sex appeal. i mean, if you want to fuck a macbook, that's great, but keep it out of the review

Show thread

yeah, this laptop runs well, and it's got a really solid build, but... is it sexy? i wouldn't buy it if it wasn't sexy

Show thread

broke: the laptop has a solid construction and eye-catching build
woke: this is one sexy laptop that we can't just tear our eyes away from
bespoke: i am writing this from the hospital as i have put my penis into the optical drive

Show thread

close your eyes. imagine the sexist windows laptop you can. i'm talking the hottest, most fuckable piece of windows-compatible machinery on the planet. open your eyes. you're looking at the HP Spectre 13, aren't you?

"laptops are getting hotter and hotter. it's true"
is it though. is it really

Show thread

it's so easy to make this thread. i just searched "sexy laptops" and clicked on the first few results. i've been noticing this "phenomenon" for fucking years now. there's so much of it.

Show thread

is HP really bringing sexy back? are they referring to regular sexy or laptop sexy? did laptops stop being sexy for a while until HP did this? what is happening

Show thread

1. why is it always the HP spectre

Show thread

HP is bringing out a new series of laptops, and everybody who's anybody has one question on their minds: will it be sexy enough?

Show thread

i hate it when i'm watching porn and there's this unattractive laptop in the shot. why won't they use HP spectres, the sexiest laptop on the market, which would make me much more aroused

Show thread

i don't like it. i do not like the way that they describe phones as sexy and open with a high-res depth of field shot of the bottom corner of a smartphone. that is not good

Show thread

i'm going to end this thread now because this is an abomination that i no longer wish to subject my followers to

Show thread

@lynnesbian i mean, that mouse sure looks like some high end vibrators ive seen

@lynnesbian i feel like if you write / collect enough of these we could train a bot to produce "sexy computer" tech reviews

@garbados @lynnesbian do we really need to train a computer program to emulate nerd boys?

i'd rather we train the bots to exorcise boys from all their bullshit

@garbados @lynnesbian
or you could collect a lot of actual erotica and word swap

@lynnesbian I have the Spectre 15. I mean .. it's a nice laptop. I wouldn't want to fuck it, but you know ... everyone has their kinks and there's nothing wrong with that ... just .. just don't fuck my laptop. I would be upset.

@io @lynnesbian please, just always remember: tech journalism is just half a step removed from games journalism and we all know how great that is

@lynnesbian how long have they been getting away with this. This is worse than sexualized food.

@lynnesbian HardSoft top 5. They started the website for this express purpose

cursed, the future is now; swearing 

@starwall @lynnesbian

By now I am used to being fucked by technology on a daily basis, this just takes that to another level.

cursed, the future is now 

@starwall @lynnesbian
[shouting obscenities]

cursed, the future is now 


The future is approaching... :owosneakythink:

@lynnesbian The next laptop from Dell is going to use a ball gag to cover up the webcam

@lynnesbian im bringing sexy back
them other pcs dont know how to act

@lynnesbian lynne it is time to learn the terrible secret of laptops

@lynnesbian "So Jim, how's that new laptop we received from HP in order to write a review?"
"The keyswitches are't really jizz resistant, so they start failing after a while"
"They're jizz resistant, not jizz proof"

@trickster @lynnesbian Some part of me *really* wants to see one of those 'gamer' brands just freaking *run* with this, unironically.

@kithop @lynnesbian "it may have an impressive amount of SSD, Jim, but will it pass the bukkake test?"

@lynnesbian [extremely tech reviewer voice] I am no longer allowed to come withing 3 metres of laptops or destops computers since "the incident"

@lynnesbian once again the whole point is NOT fucking the's that you CAN'T fuck them.....

@lynnesbian removing the headphone port AKA the largest known case of tease-and-denial recorded

@lynnesbian based on your previous actions I find this unlikely to be the true reason.

@ben if this is a masturbation joke then i apologise for how little dignity i have

@ben it's a VPS so it's sadly unfuckable with current technology

lewd shitpost 

@ben forcing my sub to use TCP so she doesn't miss a single drop

@lynnesbian thank fuck.
I've been noticing this for years now and it's taken everything I have to repress the fuck out of it

@lynnesbian no, wait, i'm like 60% of the way to being turned on, don't stop now
Sign in to participate in the conversation
Lynnestodon's anti-chud pro-skub instance for funtimes